Shaq, once the most dominant force in professional basketball, is now a free agent that seemingly no one wants to sign. Allen Iverson is in the same (sinking) boat. Anyone who watched either of their seasons last year knows that they went about as well as Michael Vick’s 30th birthday party. It’s always obvious to fans when their favorite professional athletes are past their athletic peak. Surprisingly however, it is usually the average Joe that is even more reluctant to admit he is on his athletic descent. With that in mind, the Bore has put together a list of some of the top ways to recognize that you are no longer the athlete you once were:

1. You get winded hitting golf balls.

Actually, the singular fact that you are on a golf course– or worse a driving range– should be a red flag to your inner athlete that you aren’t capable of every physical feat you used to be. Golf is for when you have given up on other sports and must now enjoy a slower sport that requires no contact and limited joint pain. Add in the fact that you are losing your breath, and it is more than obvious that the glory days are over. If you are using a golf cart and still losing your breath, you are either John Daly or you look like him… either way, God help you.

2. Your sport includes the word “Soft”.

Remember when you were the star of the baseball team? Diving for ground balls, running out the throw to first, hitting home runs and winking at your girlfriend as you round third while the crowd cheers? Those were the days… but now you are embarrassing yourself in a softball league and the pervious sentences are being rewritten to look more like this: Remember when you thought you were a stud on your softball team? Awkwardly bending at the hip while a slow rolling comically large ball rolled right by you, “racing” to first base with a goofy smile on your face, hitting a deep fly ball and grimacing to your wife as you round second while the crowd is checking their watch to see if they have been there long enough that they can leave without feeling rude.

3. A rolled ankle keeps you out longer than 3 plays.

If you are still in your athletic prime, a rolled ankle hurts but your body absorbs the pain, sends you adrenaline, and you are back in the game in no time flat. After your prime, you may as well have broken your leg. It turns into a whole ordeal; the game has to stop, someone has to go find a bag of ice, three or more people have to remind the person to elevate their ankle higher than the heart, and all the real athletes roll their eyes.

4. It takes you longer to get ready for the athletic event than to complete the event.

Between the stretching, the knee and ankle braces, the mental prep, and warm up time, you are already exhausted and your competition (assuming they are not past their prime) is ready to go home. By the time you roll your ankle and have to sit down for 30 minutes, your competitor gets fed up and leaves. You have won by default… the ultimate sign of an athlete past their prime.

5. Your Name is Shaq

Alright, I know that Shaq isn’t an average Joe, and perhaps we’re being a little hard on him… but I used to love watching Shaq, and watching him chase titles to keep up with Kobe is going to be a little sad. At the pace he runs lately, he isn’t chasing any titles down any time soon… and Shaq, you’re better than that.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 at 8:12 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.