So close! The Americans rocked out with their cocks out and almost pulled off an epic upset against Canada. However, it wasn’t meant to be this year as Team USA lost 2-3 in sudden-death overtime.

The gold medal game in Vancouver yesterday was awesome, and I’m not even a hockey fan. I don’t watch hockey, follow hockey, or care about hockey in any way. However, yesterday, my friends and I were glued to the television.

Yesterday’s game wasn’t about ice hockey or the Olympics, it was about something far greater, patriotism. ESPN’s SporstNation did a poll on Sunday and 50 out of 50 states voted in favor of a Team USA win over Canada. Nevermind the Americans were underdogs and the hockey “experts” all thought Canada was way too good to lose (I put “experts”  in quotation because they are never right).

The fact that the US beat Canada once already in this Olympics, and then lost in sudden-death overtime, suggests to me that Canada never was a “powerhouse” or “over-powering force.” The only thing worse than hockey are hockey analysts (that’s right Barry Melrose and Matt Barnaby, fuck you).

Alas, we lost a heart-breaker, and nothing would have been more fun that watching our beloved Americans beat Canada in their own game. There’s always 2014!

Netherlander, Sven Kramer, finished the grueling 10,000-meter long-track speedskating event triumphantly, crushing the previous Olympic record by a full four seconds. Only one problem, half way through what would have been a record-breaking skate, Kramer forgot to change lanes, and instead of tallying his second gold in these Olympic games he was disqualified from the event. I saw it live and let me say, it was hard to watch…

The broadcasters were raving about the performance as Kramer coasted through the finish, and next thing you knew Kramer was skating abreast his coach angrily screaming obscenities and throwing what little articles he could detach from his goofy speedskating outfit. Then the cameras shifted to South Korea’s Lee Seung-hoon and his shit-grin smile after realizing he would be bringing the gold home despite getting throttled by Kramer. Then Seung-hoon looked into the lens and said, “Suck dees Chineas ballllllsssss mutha fuckas!” (he didn’t, but it would have been awesome).

One thing I don’t understand is why they had him complete the race just to be a disqualified? The champion speedskater still has events left in the games and I’m sure it helps to save your legs when you can. None the less the powers that be had him finish the race and it resulted in one of the most hilarious and embarrassing finishes in Olympic history. He may have got DQ’d in the long-track event, but he won the gold in stupidity! Poor guy…

The US Hockey team beat heavy favorite Canada tonight in Vancouver. This leaves me with one question? If Canada can’t beat us in hockey, then what’s the point of that country? I mean seriously Canada, you hang your reputation on hockey, what now?

Next time I hear a Canadian say anything negative about America, I’m going to tell him to fetch me a large coffee and a chocolate chip scone. If he tells me Starbucks is out of chocolate chip scones, I will tell him that’s not my problem, and if he has to go to the grocery store and then make the chocolate chip scones from scratch, he will.

Canada has always been America’s hat, now Canada is officially our bitch. Now go get me a chocolate chip scone, eh?

U-S-A!!!

I’m not a big fan of the Winter Olympics, but I am an SUV-driving, fast food-eating, jeans-wearing, gun-toting, red-blooded AMERICAN! I haven’t watched 1 minute of NBC’s coverage, and unless the US Hockey Team makes the gold medal game, I won’t.

However, that doesn’t mean I’m not proud of what the American’s have accomplished so far during the Vancouver Games. As of this morning, we sit on top of the medal count and the gold medal count. When it comes to comparing us to Canada, Germany and the Netherlands I don’t care if it’s women’s downhill, men’s figure skating or curling, I don’t care, I just want the USA to win!

So far, so good. Keep it up Team USA!

Last night American Evan Lysacek rode the skate of his life to an Olympic gold in the men’s free skate competition. I know it was the skate of his life because the broadcaster said so, but I thought it was great because of his outfit… Not that a diamond encrusted snake around your neck will win you any man-points at a biker bar, but we live in a world of relativity, and relatively speaking, this dude is the Chuck Liddell of ice skating.

Congrats to Evan, way to bring the gold back to the states!

Shaun White was already the undisputed King of snowboarding, but he solidified that title last night in Vancouver. The ginger-kid scored a 48.4 on his final run, even though he was already assured gold with a score of 46.8 on his first run.

Getting ready to close the evening, White debated with his coaches for a minute, then made his decision… balls out! To the delight of fans, he jerked his body around to milk the last half of the 3½ twists then crammed into two head-over-heels flips. They guy sold out and he didn’t have to. Awesome.

Shaun White is everything that is good with America. Shaun White rocks. Fuck you world, Shaun White owns snowboarding bitches!

Everyone be on the lookout for Canadian curling alternate Kristie Moore in the coming days. She’s the second woman ever known to be actively competing in the Olympics for two… That’s right, if you haven’t already figured it out from the title and picture (which should be embarrassing for you), Kristie Moore is a pregnant Olympian.

Now I hate to be a curmudgeon here as I’m sure there are several ladies out there feeling smitten and empowered at the idea of a pregnant woman competing in the Olympics, but I’ve just crossed curling off my list of legitimate sports. I’m sorry but there are hobbies you can’t do when you’re pregnant, if she can’t even sit in the smoking section how can I consider this a sport?

None the less Kristie deserves a round of applause for what she’s been able to accomplish, most chicks would just cash in on the maternity leave, way to work it ’til it pops Kristie. Now lets just hope one of the other Canadian curlers gets Nancy Kerrigan’d so we can see her in action and the Oxygen Network can make a made-for-tv movie about the whole occasion!

Whoopty-fucking doo…

Opening Ceremonies for the 2010 Winter Olympics were tonight, and I couldn’t care less. To prove this point… I watched the Siena vs. Niagara men’s basketball game tonight instead. Even though none of us here like the Olympics, Winter or Summer, we won’t completely ignore coverage just in case something awesome happens.

However, if you’re hoping to get Lindsay Vonn injury updates or in-depth perspective on men’s competitive ice-skating, this is not your website. I will also add that if you are a man, and care about either one of those topics, you’re either gay or in denial.