The Winter Olympics are back and therefore so is the popularity of snowboarder Shaun White. While “The Flying Tomato” has a lot going for him, the Bore can’t help but notice that there are two major things holding him back from reaching his full potential. First of all, to put it frankly, he is ugly. Remember the musical Annie? That little girl sure was cute… but when she grew up, stopped getting her hair permed, got even paler, and began masquerading as a snowboarding man, she wasn’t so cute anymore was she? His other problem is one that can still be fixed: his nickname is THE FLYING TOMATO! As bad as that is, it is not the worst sports nickname of all time. What’s worse you ask? Here are the top 5 worst sports nicknames:

5. Glen “Big Baby” Davis

The problem with this nickname isn’t that that makes him seem soft, or even that it is making fun of him for having a baby face. The biggest problem with this nickname is that Davis really does act like a baby. Calling a really big guy “Tiny” is funny because of the irony of the situation. But when a man who goes by “Big Baby” cries on the sideline of an NBA game because his teammate called him out, it hits a little too close to home. I just hope that Davis doesn’t read this article, lest we get a call from his mother.

4. Sam “E.T.” Cassell

Ok, I’ll admit, this one is made up. It is too hard for me to believe however that this never caught on. Sam Cassell was playing pretty recently after the movie came out, and there is no denying the similarities. When he puts up a finger to call a play, he might as well be yelling “Phone home!” I blame his teammates who never had the balls to get this started.

3. Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White

Anytime that your nickname involves a vegetable, it’s not cool. (Don’t be the guy who leaves a comment about a tomato being a fruit. Save me the trouble and just ignore yourself). Shaun, you are the best person alive at what you do by far, and what you do is really cool. Don’t let your red hair define you. I’ve heard that you are trying to get your nickname changed to “The Animal”, which is better. But still, having a nickname based on your resemblance to a Muppet isn’t very cool either.

2. Karl “The Mailman” Malone

And the award for Most Misplaced Nickname goes to…. Karl Malone. I get that the Mailman “delivered every day”, but shouldn’t this nickname have gone to the white awkward dude two feet to his left in the team picture. John Stockton is the assist leader in NBA history and more than lived up to the standards of any mailman. He gave it to everybody, everyday, and was happy to do it for less recognition than he deserved.

1. NHL Forward: “The Gaye One” Gaye Stewart

Picture this: a son and father attend the son’s first hockey game. Stewart makes a great play on the ice, and the son looks at his dad and says “Wow, who was that?” The father answers, “That son, was The Gaye One”. And… Stewart just lost another would-be fan. Only an NHL player could get away with a nickname like this. Everyone knows that gay or not, that guy is a grade-A bad-ass.

While we’re on the subject, our vote for BEST nickname of all time goes to MLB pitcher Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson. If your name has the words “Johnson” and “Unit” in it, you might as well throw in the word “BIG”. Johnson was almost 7 feet tall, and if everything is proportionate, I’d say that “The Big Unit” is a totally appropriate nickname.

There have been some awesome sports commercials over the years and they keep getting better and better. Charles Barkley’s $5 Box commercial has played in my head about 1,000 time since the first time I saw it earlier this month.

As weird and great as Barkley’s commercial is, it wasn’t our #1 funniest sports commercial. Check out the Top 5 and let us know what your favorite is!

5. Fox Sports – Massage with “happy ending”

4. Umbro – Morning wood, rubbing one out

3. ESPN – Drew Brees’ Mardi Gras float, “The gate is NARROW.”

2. Taco Bell – Barkley’s box that rocks for only five bocks

1. Nike – Muppets in the barber shop, “Who wants to buy some DVD’s?”

There have been so many great nicknames over the years we couldn’t narrow them down to just 5 or 10, so we listed all of the best names we could come up with. Let us know if we missed anyone and tell us who’s in your top 5!

Smoke –   Dave Stewart

Round Mount of Rebound –   Charles Barkley

The Assassin –   Jack Tatum (above)

El Guapo –   Rich Garces

Basketball Jesus –   Larry Bird

The Intimidator -   Dale Earnhardt

The Big Unit -   Randy Johnson

Air -   Michael Jordan

The Mailman –   Karl Malone

The Golden Bear –   Jack Nicklaus

The Galloping Ghost –   Red Grange

The Big Hurt -   Frank Thomas

Crazy Legs –   Elroy Hirsch

Charlie Hustle –   Pete Rose

Sweetness –   Walter Payton

The Great One –   Wayne Gretzky

He Hate Me –   Rod Smart

Fat Elvis –   Lance Berkman

The Human Victory Cigar –   Darko Milicic

Greatest of All Time –   Muhammad Ali

The Big Tuna –   Bill Parcels

Pistol Pete –   Pete Maravich

Broadway Joe –   Joe Namath

Mr. October -   Reggie Jackson

The Chosen One -   LeBron James

AK-47 –   Andrei Kirilenko

The Professor -   Grayson Boucher

The Diesel –   Shaquille O’Neal

The Predator –   Don Frye

Most self-respecting porn stars don’t use their given name. Now I realize the terms “self-respecting” and “porn stars” don’t usually go hand-in-hand, but bear with me because I’m heading toward a point.

The porn industry has a tried and true system that helps aspiring porn stars come up with on-camera nicknames. Stars like Jenna Jamison, Lexington Steele and Ron Jeremy (above) have all used the following method to come up with their on-camera names. It’s a simple formula that yields tremendous results:

Porn Star Name = Middle Name + Street You Grew Up On

Last night, while I was drinking Zima’s with my buddies, we started sharing our respective porn names with each other. We were laughing heartily when it hit me… what would Shaq’s porn name be? How about LeBron? Peyton Manning? etc, etc.

I started trying to come up with their names but the problem with pro athletes is there is no information about what street they grew up on. This left me with a huge dilema, so I had to call an audible and came up with the following formula for pro athlete porn names:

Porn Star Name = Middle Name + Head Coaches Last Name

So, to fulfill my own curiosity, and test this new formula, I created a list of some of the best athlete porn names using this new method. Needless to say, I was amazed by the results! So who’s your favorite? Do you like the formula? Am I missing any good ones out there?

…………………………………………………………..

LeBron James “aka” Raymone Brown

Shaquille O’Neal “aka” Rashaun Brown

Peyton Manning “aka” Williams Caldwell

Derek Jeter “aka” Sanderson Girardi

Dwyane Wade “aka” Tyrone Spoelstra

Tiger Woods “aka” Tont Harmon

Brett Favre “aka” Lorenzo Childress

Maria Sharapova “aka” Yuryevna Landsdrop

Candace parker “aka” Nicole Gillom

Michelle Wie “aka” Sung Leadbetter

…………………………………………………………..

We’ve all stopped in the street to admire one, glared across the room like a love-struck teenager starring at one, or even forgot what we were just thinking about while being lost in one’s beauty. If you’re a man like you claim to be, you know we’re talking about moustaches. It’s long overdue that we make this list, but the day has finally come and we’re gonna’ do things a bit different. Here’s the list of qualifiers for our winners:

- No whiskers rooting outside the Nasolabial fold. A collection of facial hair is no longer in the moustache family when it’s broken free from this plain.

- No Hitler ‘staches. We’re not saying we love Jews here, but genocide is too much for even a Buckeye fan to overcome. We can’t support it.

- Nominees must have XY chromosomes. This is a dudes-only moustache contest, sorry lady…

- There is no rhythm or reason to our selections. They are all simply beautiful canvases of man that we’ve decided to provide commentary on.

O.K., bring on the moustaches…

5.) Trailer Park ‘Stache – Adam Morrison, Small Forward, Los Angeles Lakers

There’s not much nice to say about Adam Morrison’s moustache. It’s thin and distasteful, not even fit for a porno. I’ve seen manlier milk-moustaches than this gangely disaster, but that’s not to say he’s a guy you should mess with… If a dude’s willing to wear that on his face he probably doesn’t give a shit about anything, and that’s not the kind of guy you wanna’ tussle with.

4.) Walrus ‘Stache – Lanny McDonald, Right Wing, Maple Leafs/Rockies/Flames

I wish had something cleaver to say about Lanny’s moustache, but it’s taken my breath away. I can, however, confirm that he is still the proud owner of a fiery red walrus ‘stache. Way to let your follicles work Lanny!

3.) Tear Drop ‘Stache – Max Schmidt, Defense, Maryland Lacrosse

Now I know what you’re thinking, this is a violation of rule #2, right?  Wrong. Look a little closer and you’ll see you’re mistaken. The fold between his upper lip and nose (a.k.a. the “hate gap”) is not bridged, that’s where the prejudice hair grows. Schmidt’s artistic man-scaping gives us an opportunity to let you lax-heads know that our coverage of the sport should kick up as spring fast approaches, get excited.

2.) Handlebar ‘Stache – Rollie Fingers, Pitcher, Athletics/Padres/Brewers

He may have been a 7-time All-Star, 3-time world Series Champion and an AL Cy Young winner, but none of his achievements were as magnificent as his moustache. It puts that asshole Snidely Whiplash to shame. In fact, the only thing cooler than Rollie Fingers’ moustache is his name.

1.) Baby ‘Stache – Kobe Bryant, Shooting Guard, Los Angeles Lakers

Bob Bass will always be remembered as the GM that traded Kobe to the Lakers for Vlade Divac before ever seeing him in a Hornets uniform. As a result the eventually mediocre Hornets franchise was forced to move to New Orleans because of matching mediocre ticket sales and attendance. Meanwhile Kobe was collecting rings and making LA the greatest franchise since the turn of the millennium. It’s my belief that Kobe’s 18-year-old version ‘stache was the reason for this history-altering event. Bass simply couldn’t franchise a kid that had a moustache with such low HPI (hairs per square inch), especially considering the thickness of his eyebrows.  No one could have known the pimples would clear, moustache thicken, and game evolve like it did.

Do you think we’ve missed a moustache worth noting? Let us know in the comments section below!

Yesterday we gave 5 reasons to root for the Saints, so here are 5 reasons to root for the Colts in the Super Bowl tomorrow…

1. “The Sheriff” – he makes un-drafted free agents look like pro bowlers, he makes us laugh on SNL, and he might be the best quarterback in the history of the NFL once it’s all said and done

2. Jeff Saturday’s Beard – it has a separate address and its own social security number

3. Jim Caldwell – great coach, even better person

4. The Guy in the Photo (Above) – that outfit has at least 300 man hours invested in it

5. Larry Bird - you know the Hick from French Lick will be rooting for Colts

The Super Bowl is upon us, and we wanted to appease fans on both sides, so we’re going to do the Top 5 reasons to root for each team. Saints are first, we’ll do the Colts tomorrow…

1. Hurricane Katrina – New Orleans was decimated in 2005 and a Super Bowl win would help bring NOLA all the way back

2. Saints Fans – these people are fucking crazy for their saints, nobody loves their team more than them

3. Bourbon Street – Without question the most fun, entertaining and wild bar scene in the entire country, period

4. Drew Brees - great quarterback, even better person

5. The “Aints” – The Saints were once the laughing stock of the NFL and this is their 1st Super Bowl appearance

10. Brad Pitt – Saints

9.   Prince – Vikings

8.   Snoop Dogg – USC Football

7.   Marshall Mathers - Pistons and Tigers

6.   Ice Cube – Oakland Raiders

5.   Ashley Judd – Kentucky Basketball

4.   Vince Vaughn – Chicago Cubs

3.   Jay-Z – New Jersey Nets & LeBron James

2.   Jack Nicholson – Los Angeles Lakers

1.   Spike Lee – New York Knickerbockers

Men are easy to please. They love sports, beer, food, and women. Three of those things go perfectly together, one doesn’t fit with the others, but ironically it might be the one we love the most (pussy is undefeated). Anyway, sports and food go together like our couches and our asses (very well). So we have decided to make a list of the best 5 foods to eat while watching sports.

The criteria for a great sports food is pretty simple:

- It has to be a hand food. First of all, you never know when you are going to have to drop everything to give a high five. Silverware would slow everything down. Also, the thought of fans holding sharp knives as their quarterback throws the game losing interception is frightening.

- Women shouldn’t like this food item. Women are great, but in most cases, they are horrible to have around when a game is on. They don’t know the game, and they don’t get why it’s important. The only thing worse than watching a game with a woman is watching a game with women playing.

- And finally, it has to be tasty… so here are our Top 5 sport foods.

1. Pizza (tops on most food related lists)

2. Chicken Wings

3. Bratwursts

4. Chili (spoons are OK in this case)

5. Cheeseburgers