We’ve all stopped in the street to admire one, glared across the room like a love-struck teenager starring at one, or even forgot what we were just thinking about while being lost in one’s beauty. If you’re a man like you claim to be, you know we’re talking about moustaches. It’s long overdue that we make this list, but the day has finally come and we’re gonna’ do things a bit different. Here’s the list of qualifiers for our winners:
- No whiskers rooting outside the Nasolabial fold. A collection of facial hair is no longer in the moustache family when it’s broken free from this plain.
- No Hitler ‘staches. We’re not saying we love Jews here, but genocide is too much for even a Buckeye fan to overcome. We can’t support it.
- Nominees must have XY chromosomes. This is a dudes-only moustache contest, sorry lady…
- There is no rhythm or reason to our selections. They are all simply beautiful canvases of man that we’ve decided to provide commentary on.
O.K., bring on the moustaches…
5.) Trailer Park ‘Stache – Adam Morrison, Small Forward, Los Angeles Lakers
There’s not much nice to say about Adam Morrison’s moustache. It’s thin and distasteful, not even fit for a porno. I’ve seen manlier milk-moustaches than this gangely disaster, but that’s not to say he’s a guy you should mess with… If a dude’s willing to wear that on his face he probably doesn’t give a shit about anything, and that’s not the kind of guy you wanna’ tussle with.
4.) Walrus ‘Stache – Lanny McDonald, Right Wing, Maple Leafs/Rockies/Flames
I wish had something cleaver to say about Lanny’s moustache, but it’s taken my breath away. I can, however, confirm that he is still the proud owner of a fiery red walrus ‘stache. Way to let your follicles work Lanny!
3.) Tear Drop ‘Stache – Max Schmidt, Defense, Maryland Lacrosse
Now I know what you’re thinking, this is a violation of rule #2, right? Wrong. Look a little closer and you’ll see you’re mistaken. The fold between his upper lip and nose (a.k.a. the “hate gap”) is not bridged, that’s where the prejudice hair grows. Schmidt’s artistic man-scaping gives us an opportunity to let you lax-heads know that our coverage of the sport should kick up as spring fast approaches, get excited.
2.) Handlebar ‘Stache – Rollie Fingers, Pitcher, Athletics/Padres/Brewers
He may have been a 7-time All-Star, 3-time world Series Champion and an AL Cy Young winner, but none of his achievements were as magnificent as his moustache. It puts that asshole Snidely Whiplash to shame. In fact, the only thing cooler than Rollie Fingers’ moustache is his name.
1.) Baby ‘Stache – Kobe Bryant, Shooting Guard, Los Angeles Lakers
Bob Bass will always be remembered as the GM that traded Kobe to the Lakers for Vlade Divac before ever seeing him in a Hornets uniform. As a result the eventually mediocre Hornets franchise was forced to move to New Orleans because of matching mediocre ticket sales and attendance. Meanwhile Kobe was collecting rings and making LA the greatest franchise since the turn of the millennium. It’s my belief that Kobe’s 18-year-old version ‘stache was the reason for this history-altering event. Bass simply couldn’t franchise a kid that had a moustache with such low HPI (hairs per square inch), especially considering the thickness of his eyebrows. No one could have known the pimples would clear, moustache thicken, and game evolve like it did.
Do you think we’ve missed a moustache worth noting? Let us know in the comments section below!
Tags: Lists
hahaha solid list, despite the rules i think you should consider scott player’s foomanchu….. honorable mention at least….???
You are absolutely right udontknowme, as a Browns fan it was hard to leave him off the list, but rules are rules. For those of you that don’t know what we’re talking about, indulge… http://sportscenter5overtimeblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/scott-player.jpg
HAHAHA outrageous. Rollie still rocks the waxed curl too!
lovin the laxer love!! im diggin the tear drop stache schmitty, cant wait to see the lax coverage to come!
That could be the best post of the year so far! “Notice the hate gap is not bridged….” where do you guys come up with this shit?! Love it!
I believe stache 3 to be a derivation of the Hitler ‘stach and there for a rule violation
DITKA
How about the “invisible mustache” rocked out by Larry Bird?
you forgot Don Frye! the guy is like Magnum PI on steroids
I really enjoy your site, thanks for posting!
[...] been able to cover the sport we love since throwing Maryland stud Max Schmidt on our “Top 5 Moustaches in Sports” list. Unfortunately, today’s story comes on the heels of a horrifying charge [...]
[...] on their name-plate (of no relation, other than brothers from other mothers), one of which has an All-American moustache. They also proved to have an offense ta’ boot, tallying 35 goals in their final two regular [...]
Your blog writing style is very skillful. The sentence structure and perfect use of words make it more understandable. Also you seem to have a clear understanding about the subject. Wish you all the best.
Hi there, awesome site. I thought the topics you posted on were very interesting
yo fantastic blog yea nice work Your blog is so informative keep up the good work!
I cannot lie, I wanted this series a bit more then any other. I’m a TRUE Lakeshow fan so not only was I thrilled with homecourt advantage but I wascompletely happy to finally get our revenge from two years ago. Lakers 2010 NBA Champs!
Great share, great article…thank you
Whoa! I must have read hundreds of different topics on blogs over the years and rarely does one jump out to me. But yours did and that just goes to show me you are very talented as a writer and I appreciate talent. Thanks for sharing it.
I truly appreciate you taking the time to post this. I really liked reading it and am looking forward to more posts from you! Keep ‘em coming.
You wouldn¡¯t believe it but I¡¯ve wasted all day digging for some articles about this. You¡¯re a lifesaver, it was an excellent read and has helped me out to no end. Cheers,