The Winter Olympics are back and therefore so is the popularity of snowboarder Shaun White. While “The Flying Tomato” has a lot going for him, the Bore can’t help but notice that there are two major things holding him back from reaching his full potential. First of all, to put it frankly, he is ugly. Remember the musical Annie? That little girl sure was cute… but when she grew up, stopped getting her hair permed, got even paler, and began masquerading as a snowboarding man, she wasn’t so cute anymore was she? His other problem is one that can still be fixed: his nickname is THE FLYING TOMATO! As bad as that is, it is not the worst sports nickname of all time. What’s worse you ask? Here are the top 5 worst sports nicknames:

5. Glen “Big Baby” Davis

The problem with this nickname isn’t that that makes him seem soft, or even that it is making fun of him for having a baby face. The biggest problem with this nickname is that Davis really does act like a baby. Calling a really big guy “Tiny” is funny because of the irony of the situation. But when a man who goes by “Big Baby” cries on the sideline of an NBA game because his teammate called him out, it hits a little too close to home. I just hope that Davis doesn’t read this article, lest we get a call from his mother.

4. Sam “E.T.” Cassell

Ok, I’ll admit, this one is made up. It is too hard for me to believe however that this never caught on. Sam Cassell was playing pretty recently after the movie came out, and there is no denying the similarities. When he puts up a finger to call a play, he might as well be yelling “Phone home!” I blame his teammates who never had the balls to get this started.

3. Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White

Anytime that your nickname involves a vegetable, it’s not cool. (Don’t be the guy who leaves a comment about a tomato being a fruit. Save me the trouble and just ignore yourself). Shaun, you are the best person alive at what you do by far, and what you do is really cool. Don’t let your red hair define you. I’ve heard that you are trying to get your nickname changed to “The Animal”, which is better. But still, having a nickname based on your resemblance to a Muppet isn’t very cool either.

2. Karl “The Mailman” Malone

And the award for Most Misplaced Nickname goes to…. Karl Malone. I get that the Mailman “delivered every day”, but shouldn’t this nickname have gone to the white awkward dude two feet to his left in the team picture. John Stockton is the assist leader in NBA history and more than lived up to the standards of any mailman. He gave it to everybody, everyday, and was happy to do it for less recognition than he deserved.

1. NHL Forward: “The Gaye One” Gaye Stewart

Picture this: a son and father attend the son’s first hockey game. Stewart makes a great play on the ice, and the son looks at his dad and says “Wow, who was that?” The father answers, “That son, was The Gaye One”. And… Stewart just lost another would-be fan. Only an NHL player could get away with a nickname like this. Everyone knows that gay or not, that guy is a grade-A bad-ass.

While we’re on the subject, our vote for BEST nickname of all time goes to MLB pitcher Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson. If your name has the words “Johnson” and “Unit” in it, you might as well throw in the word “BIG”. Johnson was almost 7 feet tall, and if everything is proportionate, I’d say that “The Big Unit” is a totally appropriate nickname.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 26th, 2010 at 12:13 pm and is filed under Other Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Tags: Lists