Last night CBS aired the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” despite it still being November. Whatever, nothing wrong with getting into the Christmas spirit, right? So the Bore is getting in the mood too. In this article, we will be recasting “Rudolph” with sports stars. Here’s to hoping this movie gets made before next year (maybe an October release?):

Rudolph: Drew Brees

Rudolph was never given a proper chance because of his physical deformity: a shiny red nose. Drew Brees by the same token was never given a proper chance because of his physical shortness. Under-recruited, drafted late, and traded to New Orleans because he stands barley 6 feet tall… Drew Brees ended up saving the day and winning the Super Bowl for the Saints last year. Also, for the longest time Brees had that creepy weird mole on his face… facial deformity screams Rudolph.

Hermey: Tiger Woods

Hermey was an elf that hated making toys. His real passion was teeth: he wanted to be a dentist. He could only pretend to be an elf so long before he couldn’t take it any longer and just became a dentist despite objection from everyone else. Tiger was raised to be the worlds’ greatest golfer. His dad wouldn’t even consider another profession for his son. But Tiger always knew that he didn’t want to be a golfer, he wanted to be a pimp. Eventually Tiger just snapped and decided to make Ron Jeremy look like an undersexed gentleman. Now if only the public could accept that the way Santa accepted Hermey.

Sam: Charles Barkley

Sam, of course, is the narrative-giving snowman. Despite the obvious physical resemblance to a snowman, Barkley was cast for Sam because just like the character, Barkley talks and talks and no one really needs to hear anything he says. A lot of time it doesn’t even make sense, but everyone seems to enjoy the hell out of it.

Misfit Toys: Los Angeles Clippers

Pretty self-explanatory.

Lakers: good toys. Clippers: Misfit toys

Santa: Carmelo Anthony

In “Rudolph”, Santa isn’t the normal Santa that everyone normally loves. This Santa is kind of a douche. He complains about everything, doesn’t know a good thing when he sees is, and is married to his fat wife. Sounds exactly like Carmelo right? Married to a fat chick? Check. Can’t seem to understand that the Nuggets (Rudolph) are what is best for him right now? Check. I mean seriously…please get traded to New York. The Knicks would be terrible, and they would have to compete in the Eastern Conference. Good luck with that. Finally, is Carmelo a whiny, annoying, bitch who just frustrates everyone? Ho! Ho! Ho!

Tiny Tim: Greg Oden

True, Tiny Tim isn’t actually in “Rudolph”. However, we couldn’t pass up an easy opportunity to make a joke at the expense of Oden’s fragile and constantly crippled knees. I’m guessing Tiny Tim never texted a picture of his junk to anybody… but he may have if he grew up to be a 7 foot tall black man.

Merry Christmas, and God Bless us, Everyone!

On Friday night, the BCS busting Broncos of Boise State shot themselves in the foot against Nevada. Actually, they may have shot their kicker in the foot before they had him attempt those last two field goals. For anyone who didn’t see, in a tied game with two seconds left, Boise kicker Kyle Brotzman missed a field goal attempt from the 10 yard line. Then in overtime, the same dope missed a game tying effort from the 8 yard line. Both times Boise was lined up exactly in the middle of the field. These misses were so incredible that it made us at the Bore believe that something else was at play here…

Conspiracy Theory #1: He actually DID make the first field goal.

I’ve watched the attempt multiple times now, and it looks to me like it actually might have gone between the uprights. At least it was very close right? When you look at the other angles of the kick… Oh wait, I still haven’t seen the kick from another angle. On a football field with dozens of cameras, and at least 3 different angles on every replay I ever see, why does ESPN only show the one from straight behind the goal posts? The attempt in overtime was a miss. I know that because I saw it from two angles, proving that it was missed.

So why would they call a made FG “No Good”? Because this was BCS and ESPN’s last chance out. Boise played TCU in a BCS bowl game last year. No one respected this game, and really, no one watched. If this were to happen again, millions of dollars would be lost for both parties. People have been whacked in the mob for far less. Tim Donaghy (the NBA ref) shaved points in meaningless games. Who knows how far up this might go.

Conspiracy Theory #2: The kicker was paid off

Seriously, both of these kicks were basically extra points. Middle of the field, 10 yard line, two attempts. Either someone paid him off or he is literally the most un-clutch athlete in sports. He fell apart worse than Greg Oden’s knees…and just like Oden, Boise’s season is OVER.

Whether or not he was actually paid off or had a total meltdown, I know that he is someone I would not want to be on a sinking boat with. He would either take the only lifeboat all for himself, or panic so badly that he would drown himself and bring you down with him. One way or another, you’re screwed.

Conspiracy Theory #3: Gordon Gee got to him

Earlier last week the Ohio State president (the University, not the actual state) called out Boise and TCU saying that they weren’t worthy of playing for the BCS title. Am I the only one who wonders why this was such big news? A lot of people have made that same argument… why take it seriously when a nerd who looks like he isn’t even manly enough to watch football highlights on TV makes the same lame argument? Perhaps ESPN saw an ugly, old, white, dork with glasses talking about football and thought it was John Clayton. Otherwise I can’t figure it out.

Heck, maybe it was Gordon Gee who paid of the kicker. He has the money to pull it off. Either way, in an interesting twist, Ohio State may now have to play TCU. Gee could end up looking pretty stupid in a few weeks if that is how it works out. Ugly and stupid isn’t a good look for anyone.

He’s got the anger but I don’t think he’s got the toughness. This kid gets hit in the junk and just does not want to hear it from his pals. A nut-shot video always makes for viral sensation, but his saltiness makes watching this video a brilliant way to spend 30 seconds of your day. Aren’t you supposed to be a hockey player, kid? At least you still have your teeth.

Rolando McLain should have been a Raider back when the NFL didn’t stand for “No Fun League.” He could have WWE’d the shit outta’ guys without ever seeing yellow laundry touch the field. Unfortunately for him we live in an era with sufficient head trauma studies and the zebra’s are going to throw that flag every time. I have a feeling Al Davis didn’t mind giving up 15 yards for the big hit though, which doesn’t say much… the senile terror still hasn’t changed his last pair of oops I crapped my pants.

Rex Ryan would get a chubby if he saw this hit, then he’d grab a handful of M&M’s and sit in front of the computer to watch it again. How come Rugby’s never made it in the States anyway? I mean it’s awesome. No pads, big hits, fast-paced… they could play in the spring during baseball season so ESPN has something worth watching on SportsCenter. Speaking of Rex Ryan, check out one of his soldiers got rocked by 15-year vet Ray Lewis after the jump. More proof that Ray Ray still hits like a Mac Truck.

Good news MMA junkies, another season of TUF is upon us…

Welterweight champ Georges St Pierre and number-one-contender Josh Koscheck will coach opposite each other before battling it out in the cage in December. Before they’re able to punch each other in the face they’ll be evaluating talent in episode two at 10 pm ET on Spike. It’s the second week of qualifying fights, where the 32 fighters duke it out for the chance to be one of the final 16 in the house. It also gives GSP and Kos a chance to scoop out the best talent before making team selections and beginning the tournament to find the next 155 lb. Ultimate Fighter.

If you were a fan of TUF 10 contestant and YouTube phenomenon Kimbo Slice you may fancy lightweight “Bruce Leroy” this season. Dana White’s already said he’s one of his favorites and the ‘fro repping 20-year-old won us over with the backyard performance above. Gotta’ love a guy pulling off the triangle choke in a street fight. Check out more action tonight and pick a favorite fighter to root for throughout the tourney.

There’s no bigger moment in soccer than a shootout, as illustrated brilliantly in cinema masterpiece The Big Green. Unfortunately for the goal keeper above he turned his back after making what he thought was a game-winning save. Instead he gave the ball just enough back-spin to earn a YouTube dunce cap. That’s 1 in 1,000,000.

Wash the bad taste out of your mouth with last weeks’ nastiest soccer goal. A no-looker, airborne, heel shot. I’m not soccer’s number one fan, but wow.

Ronald Flemons grabbed the pigskin off the turf and was looking to “scoop and score,” if only he’d remembered to bring the ball across the goal line. I thought we’d been over this already…? Unfortunately for Flemons the zebras in Canada – unlike their NCAA counterparts here stateside – spotted the drop and took the points off the board. Ultimate fail big guy, at least SportsCenter doesn’t cover the CFL.

Uh oh, it can’t get much worse for boxing great Ricky Hatton. It was just three years ago when “the Hitman” was a top the boxing world at 43-0, then he was TKO’d by pound-for-pound champ Floyd Mayweather and knocked cold again three fights later by Filipino wrecking machine Manny Pacquiao. As we all know, if you aren’t one of the top two names in boxing than no one gives a shit about you, so Hatton’s responded to our disinterest by spending all that pay-per-view money on buggar-sugar and frat sodas. Apparently it’s gotten so bad that a female friend of his video taped the British slugger snorting a few lines of coke in a hotel bathroom… and then sold it to the tabloid savages. What a pal.

Really Patriots fans, Paddle ball at a tailgate…? Someone needs to kick the shit out of that guy. He parties like this girl jumps, and it’s not okay. How far down the list of activities did they go before settling on a poor man’s version of Badminton? And where was “throw the football” on that list? I’ve got a feeling it was right under painting each other’s nails. Can’t believe turds like this have been spoiled with Super Bowl championships while awesomely self-depricating fans can’t even get a .500 season. There’s no justice in this world.