Last night CBS aired the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” despite it still being November. Whatever, nothing wrong with getting into the Christmas spirit, right? So the Bore is getting in the mood too. In this article, we will be recasting “Rudolph” with sports stars. Here’s to hoping this movie gets made before next year (maybe an October release?):

Rudolph: Drew Brees

Rudolph was never given a proper chance because of his physical deformity: a shiny red nose. Drew Brees by the same token was never given a proper chance because of his physical shortness. Under-recruited, drafted late, and traded to New Orleans because he stands barley 6 feet tall… Drew Brees ended up saving the day and winning the Super Bowl for the Saints last year. Also, for the longest time Brees had that creepy weird mole on his face… facial deformity screams Rudolph.

Hermey: Tiger Woods

Hermey was an elf that hated making toys. His real passion was teeth: he wanted to be a dentist. He could only pretend to be an elf so long before he couldn’t take it any longer and just became a dentist despite objection from everyone else. Tiger was raised to be the worlds’ greatest golfer. His dad wouldn’t even consider another profession for his son. But Tiger always knew that he didn’t want to be a golfer, he wanted to be a pimp. Eventually Tiger just snapped and decided to make Ron Jeremy look like an undersexed gentleman. Now if only the public could accept that the way Santa accepted Hermey.

Sam: Charles Barkley

Sam, of course, is the narrative-giving snowman. Despite the obvious physical resemblance to a snowman, Barkley was cast for Sam because just like the character, Barkley talks and talks and no one really needs to hear anything he says. A lot of time it doesn’t even make sense, but everyone seems to enjoy the hell out of it.

Misfit Toys: Los Angeles Clippers

Pretty self-explanatory.

Lakers: good toys. Clippers: Misfit toys

Santa: Carmelo Anthony

In “Rudolph”, Santa isn’t the normal Santa that everyone normally loves. This Santa is kind of a douche. He complains about everything, doesn’t know a good thing when he sees is, and is married to his fat wife. Sounds exactly like Carmelo right? Married to a fat chick? Check. Can’t seem to understand that the Nuggets (Rudolph) are what is best for him right now? Check. I mean seriously…please get traded to New York. The Knicks would be terrible, and they would have to compete in the Eastern Conference. Good luck with that. Finally, is Carmelo a whiny, annoying, bitch who just frustrates everyone? Ho! Ho! Ho!

Tiny Tim: Greg Oden

True, Tiny Tim isn’t actually in “Rudolph”. However, we couldn’t pass up an easy opportunity to make a joke at the expense of Oden’s fragile and constantly crippled knees. I’m guessing Tiny Tim never texted a picture of his junk to anybody… but he may have if he grew up to be a 7 foot tall black man.

Merry Christmas, and God Bless us, Everyone!

He’s got the anger but I don’t think he’s got the toughness. This kid gets hit in the junk and just does not want to hear it from his pals. A nut-shot video always makes for viral sensation, but his saltiness makes watching this video a brilliant way to spend 30 seconds of your day. Aren’t you supposed to be a hockey player, kid? At least you still have your teeth.

Rex Ryan would get a chubby if he saw this hit, then he’d grab a handful of M&M’s and sit in front of the computer to watch it again. How come Rugby’s never made it in the States anyway? I mean it’s awesome. No pads, big hits, fast-paced… they could play in the spring during baseball season so ESPN has something worth watching on SportsCenter. Speaking of Rex Ryan, check out one of his soldiers got rocked by 15-year vet Ray Lewis after the jump. More proof that Ray Ray still hits like a Mac Truck.

There’s no bigger moment in soccer than a shootout, as illustrated brilliantly in cinema masterpiece The Big Green. Unfortunately for the goal keeper above he turned his back after making what he thought was a game-winning save. Instead he gave the ball just enough back-spin to earn a YouTube dunce cap. That’s 1 in 1,000,000.

Wash the bad taste out of your mouth with last weeks’ nastiest soccer goal. A no-looker, airborne, heel shot. I’m not soccer’s number one fan, but wow.

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We’ve seen the best Baseketball shot on the net, but never did I expect to see a concoction called Golfsketball turn out so well. That guy broke out the P from about 50 yards and drained a swoosh. Booya.

Meanwhile – in real sports – US Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin announced his four captain’s picks yesterday for this year’s team. The big-news additions are PGA rookie Rickie Fowler and the world’s number one sleaze-ball Tiger Woods. Fowler is a 21-year-old mop top that looks more like the long-lost fourth Jonas brother than an 11 month pro competing with the big dogs. You know all about that other guy I’m sure. Shit, there’s a 1 in 82 chance you’ve had intimate relations with him. Rounding out the picks were Zach Johnson and Stewart Cink, but who cares about those non-adulterating, normal, older dudes.

But in all honestly, this is one badass Ryder Cup team. It’s the only tournament that gives us a chance to enjoy golf as a team sport plus we get an excuse to chug beers and chant USA-USA-USA! Action begins in early October, I can hardly wait.

These boys are giving the Stjarnan fellas a run for their money… I don’t know the team, league, or who played the toilet seat (bravo to him by the way…), but T.O. and his popcorn have been put to shame by these soccer playing sissies. After scoring a goal several teammates gather up to form a human toilet and then get pretend pooped on. Awesome, now it’s your move, Ochocinco.

We’ve seen Feds knock a can off some dudes head with serves, but apparently those tennis skills of his extend onto the court as well. Much like his between the leg shot at last years U.S. Open, the tennis savant spanked another one through the five-hole last Monday against Brian Dabul. Check out both of Fed’s tweeners in the video above. What a stud.

Jebus, is there any Latin American sporting event where athletes aren’t lunging into the stands in attempt to bludgeon the fans? Some meat-stick, Mexican body builder wasn’t happy with a judges score card and he felt it’d be best to settle things right there. What ensued was a good ol’ Mexican melee. You’d figure metal chairs and roid rage would be a horrific mix but luckily things never got worse than a playground scuffle… sissies.

Bull fighting has to be the ultimate spectator sport, until the beast makes his way to the stands… Then it’s worse than the recurring nightmare I had in fourth grade where I found out Carrot Top was my biological father. At least we’re safe to enjoy our favorite sporting events from the stand here in the good ol’ USA, unless Ron Artest’s playing of course.

None the less, that bull is far and away more athletic than Albert Haynesworth. Did you see him lunge from the ring to the stands? Holy shit, how are you supposed to escape that thing? This señorita couldn’t even escape a horny golden retriever. Kudos to anyone that made it out alive.

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Do yourself a favor and don’t let your girl go out on some ladies night if Roger Federer is near your demographic. There’s a chance he’s at whatever bar she goes to and there’s a better chance that you don’t stack up quite as impressively as the suave Swiss. Roger was out proving his super-coolness in the viral vid above, where he puts a bottle on a pals head and crushes it with serves.

There’s no doubt it’s badass, but is it real? Let us know what you think in the comments section below!