Last night CBS aired the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” despite it still being November. Whatever, nothing wrong with getting into the Christmas spirit, right? So the Bore is getting in the mood too. In this article, we will be recasting “Rudolph” with sports stars. Here’s to hoping this movie gets made before next year (maybe an October release?):

Rudolph: Drew Brees

Rudolph was never given a proper chance because of his physical deformity: a shiny red nose. Drew Brees by the same token was never given a proper chance because of his physical shortness. Under-recruited, drafted late, and traded to New Orleans because he stands barley 6 feet tall… Drew Brees ended up saving the day and winning the Super Bowl for the Saints last year. Also, for the longest time Brees had that creepy weird mole on his face… facial deformity screams Rudolph.

Hermey: Tiger Woods

Hermey was an elf that hated making toys. His real passion was teeth: he wanted to be a dentist. He could only pretend to be an elf so long before he couldn’t take it any longer and just became a dentist despite objection from everyone else. Tiger was raised to be the worlds’ greatest golfer. His dad wouldn’t even consider another profession for his son. But Tiger always knew that he didn’t want to be a golfer, he wanted to be a pimp. Eventually Tiger just snapped and decided to make Ron Jeremy look like an undersexed gentleman. Now if only the public could accept that the way Santa accepted Hermey.

Sam: Charles Barkley

Sam, of course, is the narrative-giving snowman. Despite the obvious physical resemblance to a snowman, Barkley was cast for Sam because just like the character, Barkley talks and talks and no one really needs to hear anything he says. A lot of time it doesn’t even make sense, but everyone seems to enjoy the hell out of it.

Misfit Toys: Los Angeles Clippers

Pretty self-explanatory.

Lakers: good toys. Clippers: Misfit toys

Santa: Carmelo Anthony

In “Rudolph”, Santa isn’t the normal Santa that everyone normally loves. This Santa is kind of a douche. He complains about everything, doesn’t know a good thing when he sees is, and is married to his fat wife. Sounds exactly like Carmelo right? Married to a fat chick? Check. Can’t seem to understand that the Nuggets (Rudolph) are what is best for him right now? Check. I mean seriously…please get traded to New York. The Knicks would be terrible, and they would have to compete in the Eastern Conference. Good luck with that. Finally, is Carmelo a whiny, annoying, bitch who just frustrates everyone? Ho! Ho! Ho!

Tiny Tim: Greg Oden

True, Tiny Tim isn’t actually in “Rudolph”. However, we couldn’t pass up an easy opportunity to make a joke at the expense of Oden’s fragile and constantly crippled knees. I’m guessing Tiny Tim never texted a picture of his junk to anybody… but he may have if he grew up to be a 7 foot tall black man.

Merry Christmas, and God Bless us, Everyone!

Rolando McLain should have been a Raider back when the NFL didn’t stand for “No Fun League.” He could have WWE’d the shit outta’ guys without ever seeing yellow laundry touch the field. Unfortunately for him we live in an era with sufficient head trauma studies and the zebra’s are going to throw that flag every time. I have a feeling Al Davis didn’t mind giving up 15 yards for the big hit though, which doesn’t say much… the senile terror still hasn’t changed his last pair of oops I crapped my pants.

Really Patriots fans, Paddle ball at a tailgate…? Someone needs to kick the shit out of that guy. He parties like this girl jumps, and it’s not okay. How far down the list of activities did they go before settling on a poor man’s version of Badminton? And where was “throw the football” on that list? I’ve got a feeling it was right under painting each other’s nails. Can’t believe turds like this have been spoiled with Super Bowl championships while awesomely self-depricating fans can’t even get a .500 season. There’s no justice in this world.

Jebus that guy makes me want to grab some Peanut M&M’s. Rex Ryan has spent the last year proving he’s the best coach in the NFL. He turned the other cheek, morphed a scrub organization into a contender, and has been showing us every Wednesday on Hard Knocks why no one in the locker room has a bad word to say about him. Now he’s proven it again after flying to Florida and bringing back defensive back, hell-raiser Darrelle Revis.

Revis finally joined the rest of the J-E-T-S Jets after inking a 4-year, $46 million dollar deal. The new deal allows Revis $7 million more over the next four years and $12 million more guaranteed. The franchise had been sharpening their tools throughout pre-season without the pro bowler, but Rex Ryan has made it clear how he felt about Revis’ absence all along. Check out the 0:44-1:00 mark after the jump to see for yourself.

Maurice Clarett is out of prison and headed to the UFL, so long as the judge allows it of course. He signed a one-year contract with the Omaha Nighthawks Monday after receiving the green light from UFL commissioner Michael Huyghue. Clarett has spent the last eight years off the field dealing with NCAA suspensions, a botched court case against the NFL, roster cut from the Broncos and a 3 1/2 year prison sentence for armed robbery. So basically the Nighthawks are hoping this whole playing football thing is just like riding a bike, and that he won’t go all Gilbert Arenas on them.

Nighthawks’ GM Rick Mueller had reason to be optimistic of Clarett’s skills after a private workout Sunday:

“The things you can’t coach you can see were there — footwork, hands, those types of things. And he’s in really good physical condition. Those were the things that jumped out more than anything else. He’s done a pretty good job getting himself in condition to play football.”

That’s right son, the prison workout does the body good. He’d probably be MVP of the FFL if he cared to join. You may remember Maurice’s last competitive football days (you’d have to have a pretty damn good memory) as a freshman at Ohio State. It took just one fall and winter quarter on campus for Mo to lead the Buckeyes to a National Championship and rush for 1,237 yards and 18 touchdowns despite missing games to injury. Then he spent spring quarter smoking pot and realizing that school was for chumps.

What’s most incredible is that those glory days were in 2002, but eight years and a respectable stretch in the pin later he’s still only 26 years old. Wasn’t Chris Winkie 34 with grand children when he won his Heisman? Maybe Winkie isn’t the best example of a successful pro career but 26 is is the new 18. I hope Maurice torches it on the field, but who knows if he’ll even get touches with four-time Pro Bowler Ahman Green on the roster. All I’m certain of is the UFL’s given me a reason to watch this season… if they can find a channel to broadcast on.

Some media member asked Antonio Cromartie about the above scene from HBO’s Hard Knocks after receiving a bit of heat from those assholes on the internet. But don’t worry, his response makes the story funnier. When questioned about his inability to recite the names of his eight children in a timely fashion, Cromartie dropped this little nugget:

“I had nailed it the one time before, but they had to redo it and they just told me to pause between each one of [their names].”

You nailed it Antonio? It wasn’t a Bio test. And did they also tell you to scratch your head like a chimp trying to solve a sudoku puzzle between names? I’m sorry but you don’t get a free pass just because some producer asked you to sound dumber and you did it. Regardless, Cromartie is one helluva player with the skills to pay those baby bills, and for a long time to come. Meanwhile I don’t change my babys pampers ’til they’re so filled they hit the ground. Kudos to you Antonio, you have two more kids than the Brady Bunch… and 5 more mothers.

Well, we were pretty sure Antonio Cromartie was retarded, and now we’ve got HBO’s Hard Knocks to prove it. I could empathise if Cromartie was struggling through a list of past presidents, constellations or Steven Seagal movies, but your own kids…? And was his inclusion of “with my wife” at only the last child listed allow us to ensue that the other half-dozen belong to strange women across the states?

With the most colorful coach in the league, a hunk up-and-comer at QB and characters like Cromartie, the J-E-T-S make for some entertaining television. You can check out Hard Knocks on HBO Wednesdays at 10.

He’s the only man I know that still plays mud football with his 40-plus year old friends while petting his dog between quarters in the back of his pick-up truck. The only dude I’ve ever had a crush on. The 19-year veteran returning for a 20th go-around… Brett Favre is back in Minnesota in an effort to bring the Lombardi Trophy to Viking Land.

Last season team Purple lost their spot in the Super Bowl to the eventual champs in overtime of the NFC Championship game. Favre threw an interception in the final minute of regulation which would overshadow another epic season at quarterback. In a press conference Wednesday Favre promised this would be his final year in the league, and that he came back because he owed it to the organization.

Loyalty, denim and a whole bunch of records. Favre’s a stud!

Things just got awesome in Cincinnati. T.O., a.k.a. “Team Oblviator”, will be joining Chad Ochocinco and Carson Palmer this fall, instantly making the Bengals the most entertaining team in the NFL. We just wish HBO’s Hard Knocks was bringing their cameras back into the butthole of Ohio. But don’t worry fellas, we’ll still be able to get our fix of the two NFL divas on their VH1 reality shows. They certainly aren’t afraid of baring it all in front of cameras.

The big question now is whether two of the biggest egos in the league can share the spotlight? And it looks like the power struggle has already begun…

I can’t wait for football season.

And yet another athlete joins the list of canibusuers, brah. Chris Simms, 29, was pulled over at 1:30 am in New York City when officers detected the scent of marijuana, or some fire-ass nugg as Lincecum would say. Simms is the son of Giants’ legend Phil Simms and backup to Vince Young for the Tennessee Titans, though hobbies on his facebook page list “Slappin’ da bass” and “blowing glass”… We should have seen this coming.

Simms will face arraignment in Manhattan Criminal court. More news as it comes.