Last night CBS aired the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” despite it still being November. Whatever, nothing wrong with getting into the Christmas spirit, right? So the Bore is getting in the mood too. In this article, we will be recasting “Rudolph” with sports stars. Here’s to hoping this movie gets made before next year (maybe an October release?):

Rudolph: Drew Brees

Rudolph was never given a proper chance because of his physical deformity: a shiny red nose. Drew Brees by the same token was never given a proper chance because of his physical shortness. Under-recruited, drafted late, and traded to New Orleans because he stands barley 6 feet tall… Drew Brees ended up saving the day and winning the Super Bowl for the Saints last year. Also, for the longest time Brees had that creepy weird mole on his face… facial deformity screams Rudolph.

Hermey: Tiger Woods

Hermey was an elf that hated making toys. His real passion was teeth: he wanted to be a dentist. He could only pretend to be an elf so long before he couldn’t take it any longer and just became a dentist despite objection from everyone else. Tiger was raised to be the worlds’ greatest golfer. His dad wouldn’t even consider another profession for his son. But Tiger always knew that he didn’t want to be a golfer, he wanted to be a pimp. Eventually Tiger just snapped and decided to make Ron Jeremy look like an undersexed gentleman. Now if only the public could accept that the way Santa accepted Hermey.

Sam: Charles Barkley

Sam, of course, is the narrative-giving snowman. Despite the obvious physical resemblance to a snowman, Barkley was cast for Sam because just like the character, Barkley talks and talks and no one really needs to hear anything he says. A lot of time it doesn’t even make sense, but everyone seems to enjoy the hell out of it.

Misfit Toys: Los Angeles Clippers

Pretty self-explanatory.

Lakers: good toys. Clippers: Misfit toys

Santa: Carmelo Anthony

In “Rudolph”, Santa isn’t the normal Santa that everyone normally loves. This Santa is kind of a douche. He complains about everything, doesn’t know a good thing when he sees is, and is married to his fat wife. Sounds exactly like Carmelo right? Married to a fat chick? Check. Can’t seem to understand that the Nuggets (Rudolph) are what is best for him right now? Check. I mean seriously…please get traded to New York. The Knicks would be terrible, and they would have to compete in the Eastern Conference. Good luck with that. Finally, is Carmelo a whiny, annoying, bitch who just frustrates everyone? Ho! Ho! Ho!

Tiny Tim: Greg Oden

True, Tiny Tim isn’t actually in “Rudolph”. However, we couldn’t pass up an easy opportunity to make a joke at the expense of Oden’s fragile and constantly crippled knees. I’m guessing Tiny Tim never texted a picture of his junk to anybody… but he may have if he grew up to be a 7 foot tall black man.

Merry Christmas, and God Bless us, Everyone!

I know what you’re thinking, John Mayer’s a fag, right? Wrong meathead, get with the times. First off, he got with Rachel from Friends… boom. Second, Mayer is an avid sports fan and uses his hardwood knowledge to pick up fans in every demographic. The guitar playing savant was in good ol’ Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio last week when he took the stage for an encore in the above customized No. 83 Cavaliers jersey.

Okay, pretty cool. Only it becomes cooler than L.A. Lights in ’93 when you hear what he promises the fans:

“Our last show this tour, September 11th in Miami, I’m going to come out on stage wearing this in Miami. I promise.”

I don’t know why we had to bring 9/11 into it, but I like what I’m hearing out of Mr. Wonderland. Check out a video of Mayer making the promise to LeBron’s ex-jesters after the jump.

Didn’t know you were going to be sent into a trance with 30 seconds of pantie-wetting guitar melody, did you? Bonus, you’re welcome.

(Marcus Jordans twitter page, doucheyness at first and last tweets)

Michael Jordan is the greatest to ever step on the court, unfortunately his kids are only OK. But apparently they have inherited one of their fathers traits, a Las Vegas spending addiction. Jordan is famous for his gambling binges in the Sin City and it seems Marcus, a to-be sophomore at UCF, is just like daddy:

“Last night was stupid… 35k at Haze… Totals 50k something the whole day.. Damn!! Going to the pool again today.. Gotta relax!”

Yeah that’s right, Marcus Jordan – the source of Central Florida’s problems with ex-sponsor Adidas - spent a whole lot of daddy’s loot. Why are you gonna’ wear those intelligent looking glasses if you can’t add up 35 and 21? Well thank God the folks at the Chicago Tribune can, and it’s 56. Like $56,000 spent in one day by a sophomore in college. Maybe he’s got a paper route?

Jebus, man-points reduction for everyone. At least when we do this in the States shit gets real. First off, we throw close-fisted punches, you know, like the Gladiators used to. We also don’t throw chairs at our opponents when the duel is clearly on its way out. Bitch move Nonads.

That’s right, the man tossing the chair is none other than Oklahoma City center Nenad Krstic, who’s sweating out a possible FIBA suspension. Good chance Greece doesn’t make it through group play of the world championships without Krstic, he’ll be like that Steve Bartman guy (mute it… trust me), but worse.

LeBron James has been the butt of everyone’s jokes, from ours to Dwights. Now the folks we once told to hold their tongues have gotten a sense of humor about this whole fiasco. The video above features a talented and likely bitter Cleveland comedian playing a little ditty about the man that once ruled their demographic. It was a whole lot more entertaining than “The Decision,” that’s for sure!

Cleveland: 1      LeBron: 0

Whattaya’ know, another athlete got caught with the pot. I thought this stuff was supposed to be bad for your health or something? Udonis Haslem, one of those guys on the Heat team not named Wade, James or Bosh, was arrested in Miami-Dade county Sunday for possession of over 20 grams of marijuana. Holdin’ that kind of weight can earn ya’ a third-degree felony with the possibility of a $5,000 fine and a five-year prison sentence. That’d be a real shitty ending to what started as a speeding violation. Still, three of his teammates have keys to the city, so they’ve gotta’ be able to break him out of there.

The landscape of the NBA has never seen more change. Stoudemire’s off to the Big Apple while LeBron and Bosh joined Wade in Miami to make their own “Big Three.” Matt Barnes and Lamar Odom have kissed and made up while CP3 is looking to “take his talents” outside of New Orleans. Lost in the whirlwind of Summer 2010 is Minnesota’s acquisition of former number two draft pick Michael Beasley. You may remember Beasley was set to be the next big thing after earning NCAA Player of the Year honors in 2008. Well according to Timberwolves President David Kahn the star is poised to shine again, now that he’s done with that nasty pot stuff…

Kahn has been fined $50,000 after dropping this gem while a guest on 1500 ESPN Twin Cities last week:

“He’s a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana and has told me that he’s not smoking anymore and I told him that I would trust him as long as that was the case.”

Yeah, that could be it. Then again it didn’t stop Michael Phelps from becoming the best swimmer… ever. And am I mistaken or does cheebin’ Tim have a Cy Young in his trophy case? If you’re familiar with Beasley’s past, however, you know that weed (or poor decision making) has already cost him a Twitter account (see pic above) and $50,000. Let’s hope it doesn’t hold him back from having a respectable NBA legacy.

M.J. said Kobe’s better, Steve Carell and Paul Rudd ripped into him on national television to the delight of millions, and did we mention that Dan Gilbert guy? Well now Dwight Howard is getting into the bash-LeBron business, and let us tell ya’, business is booming. We’d also like to say it’s nice seeing a superstar ride commercial. Take some notes, LeBron.

People in Cleveland (and around the country for that matter) haven’t been able to shut up about how much they hate Lebron, and how bad of a guy he is. Perhaps it makes them feel better to announce on local radio stations that “Lebron is a loser who can’t win in big games. Lebron gave up against the Celtics in the playoffs. Lebron is an ego-maniac who not only held a one hour show to announce his decision but gave himself the nickname of “The King”, and has a tattoo across his back from shoulder to shoulder that reads, ‘The Chosen One’.” Now people are saying that everyone in Cleveland knew how much of a problem Lebron actually was the whole 7 years. Apparently every decision had to be run by him, players were afraid to cross him, and he always hated Dan Gilbert (who in turn always hated Lebron). These same fans also say that Lebron almost wasn’t chosen for the ‘Redeem Team’ in 2008 because of these known problems, and even once in Beijing, Lebron was a distraction.

I want to take this time to preface the rest of this article with a quick disclaimer: I have never liked Lebron since he entered the NBA. I still don’t like Lebron, nor do I like the way he handled his free agent decision. I also want to point out that I do feel bad for Cleveland with their horrible sports history of heartbreak…

Ok did I cover myself?

Cleveland, you need to shut the hell up! Lebron has always been all of these terrible things that you only now are getting angry about. His arrogant tattoo across his back…he’s had that for years. Throwing the chalk in the air (and rudely all over the people sitting at the scorers’ table) has always been a call for attention. After they lost to the Magic and he didn’t shake hands you defended him and called him a competitor; now you call him a jerk. The ‘problems’ he caused in China in 2008… that was years ago too, and if you really wanted to hear it, those stories were coming out back then. He was a loser who never won a championship or even a finals game going into this free agency, and his decision was always childish and self-gratifying. But Cleveland, YOU NEVER SAID ANY OF THIS UNTIL AFTER HE LEFT YOU. You not only dealt with it and embraced it, but you loved it. You were happy to hold the WITNESS signs and call him the King. You threw chalk in the air with him, and blamed everyone but Lebron for the losses. Even after he “quit” in the playoffs, announced his hour long show, and refused to talk to any potential new Cavs coaches, you desperately wanted him back. Dan Gilbert was willing to pay him over $100 Million to come back.

If you truly believe that Lebron is all of those terrible things, then why did you want him back? Maybe Cleveland, you needed something, and you were willing to look past a lot for a little bit of happiness, but now you just look stupid.

I would tell you that your new favorite player should be Kevin Durant. After all, you have no one fun to root for in Cleveland. Kevin Durant is everything that you hate about Lebron turned on its head. He just loyally resigned with his team for 5 years by simply announcing it on Twitter. He is on the USA team this summer, despite spending his past 4 summers with the USA team too. (Lebron didn’t have the time this summer). Durant smiles, does the right things, and scored more points a game than Lebron last season. But Cleveland, you don’t deserve Durant… he’s too good for you.

*By the way, I just reread this… and I stand by what I said. But sorry Cleveland, that was rough, and I really do like you. Best of luck to the Browns this season… you’re going to need it. (Oops, I put you down again.)

I know it’s the lamest thing you could watch a replay of, but I couldn’t help but notice things went differently than I remembered while watching a replay of “The Decision” last night… Possibly more hysterical, however, was Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd’s spoof of King Look-At-Me’s charade played during this years ESPY’s. Check it out after the jump.