Last night CBS aired the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” despite it still being November. Whatever, nothing wrong with getting into the Christmas spirit, right? So the Bore is getting in the mood too. In this article, we will be recasting “Rudolph” with sports stars. Here’s to hoping this movie gets made before next year (maybe an October release?):
Rudolph: Drew Brees
Rudolph was never given a proper chance because of his physical deformity: a shiny red nose. Drew Brees by the same token was never given a proper chance because of his physical shortness. Under-recruited, drafted late, and traded to New Orleans because he stands barley 6 feet tall… Drew Brees ended up saving the day and winning the Super Bowl for the Saints last year. Also, for the longest time Brees had that creepy weird mole on his face… facial deformity screams Rudolph.
Hermey: Tiger Woods
Hermey was an elf that hated making toys. His real passion was teeth: he wanted to be a dentist. He could only pretend to be an elf so long before he couldn’t take it any longer and just became a dentist despite objection from everyone else. Tiger was raised to be the worlds’ greatest golfer. His dad wouldn’t even consider another profession for his son. But Tiger always knew that he didn’t want to be a golfer, he wanted to be a pimp. Eventually Tiger just snapped and decided to make Ron Jeremy look like an undersexed gentleman. Now if only the public could accept that the way Santa accepted Hermey.
Sam: Charles Barkley
Sam, of course, is the narrative-giving snowman. Despite the obvious physical resemblance to a snowman, Barkley was cast for Sam because just like the character, Barkley talks and talks and no one really needs to hear anything he says. A lot of time it doesn’t even make sense, but everyone seems to enjoy the hell out of it.
Misfit Toys: Los Angeles Clippers
Lakers: good toys. Clippers: Misfit toys
Santa: Carmelo Anthony
In “Rudolph”, Santa isn’t the normal Santa that everyone normally loves. This Santa is kind of a douche. He complains about everything, doesn’t know a good thing when he sees is, and is married to his fat wife. Sounds exactly like Carmelo right? Married to a fat chick? Check. Can’t seem to understand that the Nuggets (Rudolph) are what is best for him right now? Check. I mean seriously…please get traded to New York. The Knicks would be terrible, and they would have to compete in the Eastern Conference. Good luck with that. Finally, is Carmelo a whiny, annoying, bitch who just frustrates everyone? Ho! Ho! Ho!
Tiny Tim: Greg Oden
True, Tiny Tim isn’t actually in “Rudolph”. However, we couldn’t pass up an easy opportunity to make a joke at the expense of Oden’s fragile and constantly crippled knees. I’m guessing Tiny Tim never texted a picture of his junk to anybody… but he may have if he grew up to be a 7 foot tall black man.
Merry Christmas, and God Bless us, Everyone!